Saturday – Unemployed, Chasing My Dreams
Third Attempt – Day 5 of My “30-Day No Alcohol Challenge”
Remember how I said I was considering quitting coffee due to anxiety and alcohol cravings? Scratch that idea.
Last night was a nightmare – mosquitoes invaded the camp while we left the doors open to get some air in, and I’ve got about 30 bites all over me. Talk about a lousy night’s sleep. I’m going to need bug spray and a bug zapper pronto.
So, why am I talking about lack of sleep in a journal that’s about my 30-day no alcohol challenge?
Well, I’m genuinely worried that my crankiness from not getting enough sleep might mess with my resolve to stay away from alcohol. When I’m exhausted, it’s like my willpower shrinks, and my alcohol cravings start acting up. So, I figure if my body ever decides to cooperate and actually want to fall asleep today, I’m gonna seize that moment and take a much-needed nap.
I strongly believe that being well-rested will give me a better chance to fend off any temptations to drink. I mean, come on, exhaustion usually turns me into the queen of pessimism. You know the drill – everything seems so much worse when you’re running on fumes. So, catching some Zs during the day might be my secret weapon in this battle against alcoholism.
Anyway, the day started with a resolve to find that elusive sleep, but as the sun rose, so did my craving for a cup of coffee. Coffee, my trusty companion, the elixir that gives me the illusion of being awake and functioning. It’s like a warm hug for my soul, an instant mood lifter. So, I indulged in a strong brew and hoped it would help me stay awake and focused.
On the bright side, Allan is sober this morning, making breakfast with some jazz playing in the background. There’s nothing like being both sober and together – our relationship is so much better this way.
I caved in and bought a couple of books on Amazon, “The Sober Survival Guide” and “How to Quit Alcohol in 50 Days” by Simon Chapple. I’ve been watching his videos on YouTube, and they’ve really resonated with me. Figured it’s worth a shot – it’s an investment in myself and my future.
I was just working on a painting, trying to channel my creativity, but this overwhelming feeling of being a loser hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s one of those moments when you start comparing yourself to others, and it feels like everyone else has their life sorted out while you’re still trying to figure things out.
I couldn’t help but think about all my high school buddies who have grown up, settled down, and are living their adult lives with families, houses, and cars they’ve had for decades. Meanwhile, here I am, living at my parents’ fishing camp in the middle of nowhere. And the reason I only recently got my first new SUV was that I had no choice! There weren’t any second-hand all-wheel drives available, especially with the chip shortage.
It’s a weird mix of gratitude and self-doubt. I mean, my parents saved my behind by letting me stay here, but it’s not the luxurious life I imagined for myself. It’s easy to feel like I’m lagging behind when comparing my situation to my family’s achievements. Both my parents have their lives together, and even my sister is nailing it. They are all so successful, and then there’s me – the black sheep who can’t seem to get her act together.
But you know what? I’m not going to wallow in self-pity.
Instead, I need to turn this negative energy into motivation. I’ve got to chase my dream, even if I’m not sure how I’ll make money from my art just yet. Time’s running out, though; I’ve given myself 13 weeks to monetize my artwork, or I’ll have to find some other job. And trust me, the local job options are not appealing for an introvert like me – it’s mostly fish plants or dealing with the public, and I’m not sure which one’s worse!
I admit I’m feeling exhausted, but that’s not an excuse to let my life pass me by. I’ve got one shot at this, and I need to make it count. Time to get caffeinated, wake up my sleepy brain, and work my ass off to turn my dreams into reality. It’s high time for me to be proud of who I am and what I’m capable of.
To get my motivation fired up, I decided to re-watch a video that once helped me during my first attempt at getting sober. It’s Joe Rogan’s motivational video, and boy, does he know how to light a fire under your butt!
Alright, let’s do this!
It’s time for me to be my own hero and make something out of myself. Today’s the day I start believing in my abilities and work relentlessly towards my dreams. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll look back on this journal entry and laugh at how far I’ve come. Until then, it’s time to kick some ass and make myself proud.
The cravings hit me hard, and I don’t know why. But I’ve got to stay strong. I found that distracting myself with something new, like reading those books I bought, can help. Cravings do pass, and I’ll be okay.
Allan brought home some alcohol, but he’s trying to taper off slowly. I’m glad he’s taking steps, but I know that approach wouldn’t work for me. I can’t take even one sip, or it’ll lead me down a dark path.
Allan decided to surprise me with a healthy version of pizza for lunch. It was surprisingly tasty, but the real surprise was how talkative and excited he was. I could tell he’d had a few drinks already. Ah, Allan, you’re a character.
As Allan stepped outside to grab another beer, the sound of the bottle opening triggered a rush of memories from my past. Suddenly, I found myself reminiscing about the good old days in downtown Victoria, sipping pints of craft beer in those delightful heritage buildings, with folk and indie music serenading the air, and the vibrant hum of laughter echoing all around. It’s funny how a simple sound can take you back in time.
But then, reality set in, and I started to feel a bit down. The thoughts of taking a break from my painting, which I was in the middle of, crossed my mind. I felt like I was in a spot of trouble, you know, my brain acting up, trying to convince me that life without alcohol won’t be exciting or fun ever again. It’s like my mind’s playing tricks on me, trying to lure me back into that old habit.
However, I don’t want to give in to those feelings. I know deep down that life can be just as exciting and enjoyable without alcohol. It’s all about finding new ways to have fun and creating memorable experiences that don’t involve relying on booze. But man, sometimes those old temptations can be really stubborn.
To distract myself and avoid falling into that spiral of thoughts, I decided to go down the Youtube rabbit hole. You know how it is—start watching one video and end up in a completely unrelated place hours later. It’s an effective way to keep my mind busy and steer it away from those tricky thoughts. Anything to keep myself focused and positive.
I stumbled and had a drink, feeling like I was missing out on the fun. But now, I’m questioning whether this is really fun at all. Drinking poison and feeling numb doesn’t sound like a great time to me.
Here I am, sitting in bed with only the faint glow of the bug zapper keeping me company. I’ve got a beer in my hand, and I can’t help but wonder, “What is this beer really doing for me?” The truth is, I feel numb, and instead of enjoying a good night’s sleep, I find myself tangled in thoughts.
I did a little research on what alcohol does to the body, and it’s got me questioning my choices. Am I really just poisoning myself? The reason I started drinking in the first place was because I felt like I was missing out on the fun. But looking at myself now, I can’t help but question if this is what I call fun – drinking and pouting alone in bed?
On top of all this, my relationship with Allan is a bit rocky again. We’re not in a full-fledged fight, but we’re both on edge and irritated with each other. The sweltering heat outside isn’t helping our moods either. It feels like everything’s just colliding, and it’s hard to find that sense of peace and happiness I crave.
This is not the life I want. This isn’t “fun” to me. I don’t want to drown my sorrows in alcohol, pretending that everything’s okay. I want real joy and an authentic connection with Allan. I don’t want to let the heat, the stress, or the little squabbles ruin what could be beautiful moments.
I’m only 43, and I’ve still got so much life ahead of me. Life’s too short to be stuck in a loop of monotony or seeking temporary relief through substances. I want to wake up tomorrow with a fresh perspective and conquer the day with a clear mind and an open heart.
Supplementary Info: Self-Discovery
Embarking on a journey to self-discovery is a powerful and important process that allows us to explore our inner selves, identify our true values, and discover our potential. It means knowing oneself, learning about our personality traits, interests, and beliefs, and finding our identity amidst the complexities of life. This self-exploration is not only about finding yourself but also about becoming free from the shackles of past beliefs and limitations. It’s a process of learning and growing, understanding our emotions, and healing from the wounds of the past.
Throughout the self-discovery process, many activities can aid us in this exploration. Journaling, for instance, is a valuable practice that helps us dive deep into our thoughts and feelings. By asking ourselves thoughtful prompts and questions, we can learn more about our innermost desires and the meaning we seek in life. Moreover, therapy and support from people who have experienced similar journeys to self-discovery can also play a vital role in understanding ourselves better and embracing personal development.
One of the most important aspects of this journey is discovering our interests and skills. By exploring various activities, we learn what we love and what we are naturally good at. This self-exploration opens up new paths in our career and personal life, allowing us to align ourselves with our true purpose and passions. As we learn more about ourselves, we become more confident in our identity and can better value our uniqueness and individuality.
In this process of self-discovery, it’s crucial to also acknowledge the social and spiritual dimensions of our lives. Understanding how we relate to others, how we form connections, and how we give and receive love can have a profound impact on our personal growth. Exploring our spiritual beliefs and practices can provide additional meaning and support along this transformative journey.
In conclusion, the journey to self-discovery is a continuous exploration of our inner and outer selves. By learning about our strengths, interests, and values, we can unlock our potential and lead a more fulfilling life. This process helps us not only find ourselves but also allows us to love and embrace who we are, becoming free to fully express our authentic selves in the world. So, let us cherish this expedition of self-discovery, for it is an essential part of becoming more connected with ourselves and discovering the true essence of life.